Sven & Ula: Facing Yer Fears By Voting

"What ya t'ink about dem absentee ballots, eh?" asked Ula, trimming weeds around his wife's old new potting shed that he had leveled a month earlier. "Ve got dem in da mail, eh. I emailed you about dem."

"Oh, dat's vat dat official-looking t'ing vas a couple weeks ago; ve tossed 'er in da garbage t'inkin' as ve vere, it vas from Publishers Clearing House wit' a bunch of yunk mail ads in it, as fluffy as it vas 'n all.

"Now you're talkin' da Primary ballot aren't ye? Ve vudnt vant to miss votin' fer Biden & Harris now, vud ve? Hell, I vud valk to Roseau to vote fer dem -- an' pull Monique in da vagon, ifn I 'ad to. Too bad ve cudnt yust mail our votes in, ifn it vasnt fer da tret of Covid nineteen on da stamp glue dat rumor 'as bin sayin' da Chinese 'ave put on dere. Too bad dey avnt invented self-ad'erring stamps yet dat yust peel off 'n stick demselves to vat ever yer mailin'. Alas, life is never so perfect, eh.

 

 "No, ven your email came, I vasnt in da 'ouse; I vas on da roof. It took me a long time to get dere too, me mind nut bein' da best, ya know, now dat I'm sixty-nine years of age. 'ardly as olt as you, I know, but dat me Dad's side of me lends me more caution den sumetimes I'd prefer; I don' 'ave Yensen or Torfin blood in me yust so I can t'row caution to da vind. No, Dad's side vere a cautious sort.

"Vell, ven Layton fell off da roof of da grain bin ven 'e vas seventy years of age, pepples eyes did roll t'inkin' as dey vere "'Vat in da sam hell, vas dat old man doin' atop dat der grain bin?'"

"An' I know if'n verd got 'round dat I fell off a roof at age sixty-nine one mont' an' seven days, dey say, "'Sven who?'"

"Ven me cousin Gene comes to da deer shack an' climbs ladders like a friggin' monkey, shoulderin' a yard or two of shingles upon 'is shoulders, runnin' villy-nilly across roof tops fairly skippin' like a school girl on a spring day an' all, an' 'im bein' only ninety-sum days da younger den me, fee fon! I vunder vere me balls 'ave gone? Vere iss me manhood 'idin'? Shrivelled up inside like raisins? Uffda!

"I 'ave a very gud fiberglass and aluminum 12-foot step ladder and a 20-foot heavy-duty adyustable extenshun ladder an' all da tools to fix dis vun little 'ole in a roof vent made by a 'ail storm a couple veeks ago. I even got dis dandy little 12'x12' lean-to porch to git on first, its roof new, two years ago. An' a almost flat-roof dormer ajuttin' out from da 'ouse roof, dat I vus on meself, tventy-seven sum years ago verkin' on a chimney 'ole dat ve dint need anymore. But our 'ouse roof iss da scary part, a steep 12+/12 pitch conflagerashun dat da birds 'roun' 'ere vont lan', save for da Common Murre, an' only eagles an' vultures use fer lofty perches above da eery mists of Mikinaak Crick.

"Sos I bravely shouldered me tool & glue bag da udder day, an' usin' da 20 foot adyustable extension ladder knockerd down to a mere sixteen feet, I climbed to da top of da porch, brinun me 'underd foot nylon-braided 'alter rope vit me, I vus goin' to t'row over da roof an' tie to me pickup truck stationed dere, as it vas, be'ind da 'ouse, yust awaitin' to do itz bit as da rope 'older.

"I remembered dat tventy-seven years ago I 'ad used a rope of considerable length, you see, nut dis vun, an' t'rew it over da 'ouse to tie on me pickup, den 'olding onto it (Yah, like a wee baby) I pult meself onto da dormer roof standin' confidently, me grip firm as 'ell on me security rope.

"Vell, dis time, usin' me rope, I pult my 12-foot step ladder onto da porch roof vere I vas, an' set it up agin da dormer, eh. An' climbed it all da way to the eave of da dormer roof, the weighted clevis end of da rope in me 'an' vere I vas to t'row it over da roof to da udder side, ven dat cautious part of me brain said,

"'Yer goin' to do sumtin' stupid 'ere. You're goin' to t'row dat rope an' clevis o're da roof an' 'tis goin' to swing back to'rt da 'ouse an' break dat big ol' picture window fer shure, dats vats goin' to 'appen, you ijit! Den, vat vill Monique say? 'uh?, 'uh? It von't be a pretty sight, fer shure.'"

"Me goose vas cookt. I gut down, ashamed at da very t'ot of me bein' a man at all. An' me shame caust me to ask fer 'elp from tree or four pepple, two of whom dint reply an' two of whom gave me 'ope dey'd com t'rough fer me; vun guy said 'e or 'is man vud come sum day dat veek; an' da udder guy referd to me by a Vannaska Palm cousin of all pepple, dint call me back as ‘is vife said 'e vud. An' me friend Joe offert to do it in a few days, but 'e's even older den me, ... so I knew I vas up agin 'er meself.

"I 'ad been up on dat roof tventy-seven years ago, an' I 'ad to do it agin 'cause it 'ad to be done. No vun vud 'elp me.

"Me brain said, "'Grow yerself sum cullions, bollocks, knackers, goolies, dangly bits, cojones, or stones, you tosser! You can do dis!'"

"An, I replied to it, '“Vat da sam hell? Yer da very t’ing dat told me to err on da side of caution.”'

"An’ it replied, “Yah, to be careful shure, not to give up on yerself; yer only sixty-nine, not ninety-six!”

"About dat time Monique called me in to eat some lunch, me brain fairly whirring vit ideas of 'ow to git dat rope over da roof. She 'ad fixed me a fine sandwich an' sat across from me lamenting da fact I'd never grow a set of male parts before it vud rain dat very day. I cudint feel lower den I vas, but for da fact she vas sitting on more cushions den me...

"Suddenly, I shot off me chair, ricochetted off da kitchen door jamb an' skip-'opped pullin' on me work boots to'art the destination of da basement door. Possessed I vas, ven I cast a look 'tveen the floor joists 'bove da furnace to me fiberglass archery bow we allow da grandkids to use ven dey visit, an' pult it down to me 'ands, snatchin' an arrow stort nearby 'long anudder joist.

"Da light bulbs lit; I foun' me duct tape an' goin' outside I t'rew da roll of carpenter string to'art da crick to loose it up, 'oldin' as I vas vun end to tape to da arrow -- dat I shot over da 'ouse, from east to vest, yee hah!"

 

"Den it vas back onto da porch roof, vere I tied the clevis end of da rope to da string good 'n tight, den back off'n da roof and to da udder side of da 'ouse vere da line of super-strong yellow string vas 'angin'. Grippin' dat, I roun' da yar's of string back on da spool til da rope cum vit'in reach, 'an' I loosed da string, tied da rope to da truck, an' climbed onto the porch -- and' onto da dormer, an' straddlin' the peak of da roof of da 'ouse, covert da 'ole a' sealt da leak an' fixt da problem yust dat fast.

"Dem t'ree beerz tasted GREAT!! Thanks fer askin’!

"Good grief! All I askt you vas vat you t'ought about da new ballots, you tosser!" Ula exclaimed. "Sure you dint fall off da roof?"