"Hullo? MA? "

 

   Vell, I was sitting' here mind in' me own business when the telephone rings and I notice it's a St. Cloud call, denoting it's a call for the wife. Usually I holler up to Jaquinta that it is one of her own calling to say "I love you, Ma," and defer the responsibility of answering it to her, than make small talk until she picks up the phone in her own good time.

   So, not thinking, I naturally answer the phone. "Hullo." I sez.

 

   "Hi," Seth sez, "I lost the keys to the car."

 

   "You're f***ed,' I sez. 'We don't be havin' have a spare key for that car. Where are you then?"

 

   "Deer River, where I spent the night, he explained quietly. "You know, instead of driving in a blizzard. Remember I called you guys about 12:30 AM? There's about five inches of snow over here."

   "And you lost these keys, how?' I implored, all the while knowing it's one of those computerized fancy keys that not just anybody can make and wondered where can he go to get another--without the original. I Googled 'Saturn Dealers,' knowing they don't make Saturns anymore and all the dealers are probably bankrupt and standing in soup lines along the docks in Duluth or Two Harbors. I did find one: "Saturn Dealers of Duluth LLC," but noted that the site was dated 2009 and nothing came up current. 

   Then I notice that Jacquinta has come down the basement stairs, sleepily holding onto the handrail, and using her numbed facial expression wrinkled on one side of her face by the sheets and blankets she laid upon, she mumbled--her one eyebrow raised in question, her opposite eye yet closed in the mash of criss-cross reddish skin art--and I say, in answer, because as long-married people we know what the other is thinking' without the other actually having to say it,"Yes, I used matches the last time I was in there--and Lysol spray too--and scrubbed all the way around the toilet with ammonia, then rinsed it with Listerine, and disinfected both sides of the toilet seat and left you an unopened sanitary toilet seat cover on the toilet tank… dear."

   Then, once in a while I get it wrong thinking that I know what she is thinking' since we've been married so long, and she reacts, in that muffled, scrunched-face way like her mouth is sewn shut and she can't yell what she really really wants to, so instead has to use whole body English which very nearly topples her down the stairs ...

 

   "Oh, it's Seth,' I sez, thinkin' of possibly what else she could be needing' to know, if her all-consuming need for sanitary toiletry is satisfied, adding, "He lost the keys to the car."

   Her eyes.. er, her 'eye,' rolled back into her head and there was a great gnashing of teeth, as I recall. From the telephone receiver I held in me other hand, Seth gasped,"Hello?"

 

   "Shut-up,' I sez. "Your ma is havin' a seizure here."

   Turning back to Jacquinta, now fervidly washing the caked-on morning phlegm from her eye sockets said, "I told him we don't have a spare key."

 

   Turning to face me, the paper towel she was using still stuck to her eyelid and cheek, Jacquinta sez, "I've got a spare key in me purse! I've always had one, you silly goose! How can we get it to him?"

 

   "We could mail it,' I volunteered knowing quite well what me fate was the rest of that morning, afternoon and evening. "He can stay down there until tomorrow. Sleep in the car…"

 

   Seth repeats, "Hello?"

   Jacquinta, with all the paper towel bits removed and both her eyes functioning, the playfulness of her skin returning to her face, her hair alive with a morning's good brushing and teasing, takes the phone with a loving smile and screams,

 

   "YOU LOST THE KEYS TO MY CAR??? WHY, I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!!"

   Which startled me to no end, I tell you. Uffdah. ("You go girl," I said to meself.)

   "Ma! Ma!' Seth sez. "Ma! Calm down!' knowing the inquisition had begun. "I've looked everywhere and I mean everywhere, in the motel room top and bottom, bottom and top, in the bed and couch and sink, in the bathroom, under pillows, mattresses, sofa cushions. I've shoveled the parking lot, out by the car. I didn't call you until I exhausted every possible place I could look and knew without a doubt that I had lost the keys to the car."

   "Where where you when you discovered they were lost?' his Ma asked. "Did you look real good in all your pockets?"

 

   "MA!!!!,' I told you I've looked everywhere! Just leave me down here until I can figure out a way to get a key made," he begged.

 

   I thought the mail was a good idea.

    "You have to get back here for work!' Jacquinta insisted. Then she looked at me, "We'll figure something out."

   "I'll saddle the horse,' I sez,. "Pack me some vittles an' t'row 'em in the saddle bag. I'll get dressed. I'll call work and tell 'em I'll be late."

   "I can go with you,' Jacquinta said playfully, her demeanor taking on a rosy sweetness at the prospect of a 350 mile round-trip adventure to a snowy land faraway through Indian reservations, dramatic landscapes of boreal forest, blackwater bog, and progressive northern Minnesota metropolises.

 

   "Okay… I'll saddle up two horses,' I replied calculating the extra salves and leg wrap materials, saddle soap, curry combs and shampoo I'd have to pack along---and then there was all that stuff for the horses…"

   "Oh, couldn't we just ride 'together' on ol' Snuffy? she whispered hotly, her tongue now fairly deep in me ear.

   "On second thought,' I said. "Maybe we should just take the car. That way, it'd be much more comfortable for you and we might get there a day or two sooner see in' as we'd have to be stopping' every so often for you-know-what…"

 

   "Oh, I've gone to the toilet,' she said happily. "I'll get ready too. This will be so fun!"

   Some miles down the road, she said, "I wonder why he couldn't find the key with all those rings and fobs on it? That's a lot to lose all at once."

 

   "That's because he separated the key from 'all those rings and fobs' things,' I said turning the steering wheel steadily as we rounded a curve east of Grygla,. "So he could lock the car with Mack in it and go into a store…"

   "WHAT??' she exclaimed, fogging up the windshield with her exhalation. "SO HE COULD LOCK THE CAR WITH MACK IN IT AND GO INTO A STORE?"

 

   "That's what he told me,' I said bringing the thermos cup to my lips. "That's how he lost the 'key..."